Some people just need a sympathetic pat, on the head,

with a hammer!

Says it really

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that 1 out  of 5 enjoys it?
Just wondering..

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, con artists defrauded, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Don't you get tired of Tradesmen that come to your house, charge by the hour and then spend half their time talking on their mobile phone.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Just wondering...

Hot Investment Tip

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

You can't trust the new testament. After all, the major witnesses were fishermen...

"Your car is German. Your vodka is Russian. Your pizza is Italian. Your kebab is Turkish. Your democracy is Greek. Your coffee is Brazilian. Your movies are American. Your tea is Tamil. Your shirt is Indian. Your oil is Saudi Arabian. Your electronics are Chinese. Your numbers Arabic, your letters Latin. And you complain that your neighbor is an immigrant? Pull yourself together."

Friends are like panties.
Some crawl up your butt. Some snap under pressure. Some don't have the strength to hold you up. Some get a little twisted. Some are your favorite. Some are holy. Some are cheap. Some are naughty. And some actually cover your butt when you need them to.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I went into a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. I was looking for a book on how to improve my memory. But  I've forgotten if I found it or not.

Exchange between pilots and control tower

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Fed Ex merger

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP or UP SEX ?

Feng Shuit

Feng Shuit: when rearranging the furniture just doesn’t work at all.

All the Cars in the World

If you were to line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Indian Medicine

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Indian Maths

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.